University to Use the 33.5 Million Donated This Year to Invite Keanu Reeves to Speak

Breaking News:

It was recently announced at SUNY Potsdam that the school has obtained 33.5 million dollars from alumni and donors. What will we use these funds for? A new bathroom in Kellas Hall? Another ice arena? We went to Raymond Hall to find out.

“We have decided, and this decision came from both the SGA senate as well as the faculty senate, that we would use the funds to have a guest speaker at the college sometime in January.”

A higher up told The Plague. The speaker would be world renowned actor, Keanu Reeves. Reeves, now 52 and no longer hot, would speak at Snell Theatre for about 45 minutes and all students would be invited.

As usual, The Plague went around campus interviewing people on the way the donation is being spent and here were some opinions:

“I saw Keanu Reeves in The Matrix a few years ago and I was really impressed by his skills. He bounces around and dodges bullets. He wild.”

A Philosophy professor told The Potsdam Plague.

Dodging bullets won’t be the only thing Reeves will be expected to do during his 33.5 million dollar speech.

“We’re really expecting him to spend about five minutes telling us how to really pronounce his name, dodge a few bullets dished out by UP, and then say some motivational bull shit for the rest of the, like, 10 minutes.”

A member of faculty senate explained.

 

Will you be attending this talk? Comment below your opinions!

 

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