Thanksgiving is coming up and that means it is time for The Potsdam Plague’s first ever Holiday Special. The editors of The Plague (Potsdam’s Leading News Source) sat down to talk Thanksgiving, racism, the inevitable intoxication by wine, and your socially out of touch relatives.
A major topic brought up in the Thanksgiving discussion was how to deal with your racist aunt this holiday season. This list may differ from others that you might have read on this well researched topic, as this list is written post 2016 election. Meaning that the typical racist aunt has been made into a whole new breed.
Here are some vital tips for confronting your racist aunt this Thanksgiving:
1. Bring wine always
A popular way of dealing with a racist aunt is to always be the one to bring a bottle of wine to the table. Scientifically, racist aunts at Thanksgiving are correlated to also being the drunk aunt at the Thanksgiving table, or at least married to the drunk uncle. By bringing said aunt her own personal bottle of wine, you are enabling her to drink the whole thing by herself and maybe even pass out from drunkenness. Problem solved.
2. Joe Biden memes
If you’ve been on any social media platform lately, you may have noticed the surge of memes displaying Joe Biden’s savage post election remarks. A fun way of ignoring your racist aunt’s comments, or anything for that matter, is to form yourself into a ball and to wrap yourself burrito style in fuzzy blankets somewhere hidden in your family’s designated Thanksgiving dinner house with your phone and look up Joe Biden memes. This can solve the racist aunt problem in a few different ways. Mainly, you will be comfortable and cozy. But you will also be reminded of a warmer and friendlier time in America when Joe Biden ran wild and free as the Vice President.
3. Bring up a different fucking topic
A decent way of getting around discussing racism with your aunt is to bring up an entirely different fucking topic. A personal favorite of mine is to bring up the timeless debate of whether or not Elle Woods from Legally Blonde really deserved getting into Harvard Law School. Racist aunts love that shit. This particular topic not working? Bring out another bottle of wine.
4. Make a pumpkin pie fort in the backyard and hide in it
Thanksgiving is a holiday known for the precious dessert called pumpkin pie. Luckily, many family members do not communicate on what dishes they are bringing to the family dinner. This often results in a massive amount of store bought pumpkin pie and not enough cranberry sauce. The good news is that you can use this pumpkin pie to make a literal fort in the backyard to hide from drunk uncle and racist aunt. While hiding in the fort, you will never get hungry. You can eat your way out of the fort once the coast is clear and your racist aunt has retreated back to her rural Midwestern American home.
5. Vacation in Canada for the day
Lucky for us that Potsdam is super close to the border of Canada. You may want to take the advantage and use the day off from school to scout out moving to a different country. It may be cold, but at least they have Degrassi and decent hockey games. And hey, there may be racist aunts in Canada, but at least they aren’t yours!
Signing off as Potsdam’s Leading News Source.